Friday, 18 November 2005

• Loss

  Tuesday may have been one of the saddest days in my life.  I hope it is.  Then there can't be much worse to deal with.

  Shannon and I left for the hospital @ 6 a.m. to have her labor induced.  We were told to be there by 7 to I figured by 9 things would be well on thier way. 
  

  They weren't.  Finally at noon they started the process.  Things moved slow.  Before the process began the doctor came in and talked about options.  Two different ways to induce.  Neither of them quick.  Two different types of pain control.  They would try to keep her pain free as they knew the outcome would not be good who wants to be in pain when they know there isn't something good at the end.  Why isn't their something for the emotional pain?  Then the worst set of options.  What to do with baby once it arrives.  Cremation is cheapest... a funeral is expensive but would give closure.  She decidedon cremation and we will have a quiet family memorial service.  After those decisions were made she got a phone call.. from the b/f's mom who didn't come... told her to donate the baby to science so it wouldn't cost anyone anything!!! How cruel.  Shannon and I sat in disbelief that someone.. especially someone talking about a grandchild could be so damn cold.

  They let her b/f out of jail to be there with her.  He could have stayed for all I cared.  Her "MOTHER" (notice the quotation marks) was there with her newest boyfriend "Tom".  They would be in the room for a few minutes... 15 at the most and then leave for a couple hours.  About 4 they came back in to say they were going to go find a motel room and for us to call if anything changes.

  At 6 they give her a second dose of the induction meds .... she calls her mom to tell her this and that she is getting a bit crampy.  Her mom says "do you think we need to come over?  if so we still have our clothes on."  Thanks for that psa. 

  The b/f's dad is there (he has to be the b/f is in his care while out of jail and he has to be there w/him).  The b/f's brother who lives in the city we are in drops in.  Him and the dad go to get us dinner.  Shannon can't eat but I am not leaving her side.  About 9 or so we are eating... chatting.  She is getting uncomfortable.  They start a morphine drip with a "happy button".  I ask if cramps are regualr.. she says they are pretty much constant but not too bad... after 10 ... the guys are getting loud.. i just want to tell them to get to heck out.. shannon smiles and says they are fine... she hits the "happy button"... she tells me it just doesn't seem to be working.  I told her to hit it a couple more times.. maybe she just isn't ahead of the pain as the nurse said she should be....  a few minutes later she says "Jules, I think my water broke..."  I lift the sheet to see tons of blood.

  I yell over top of the guys to get out, hit the button for a nurse... the guys leave.. even the b/f she tells him to stay he keeps going... the nurse is there... Shannon looks at me and says "something came out... look.. see if it's the baby"   I try.. I just can't.. I tell her Shannon I can't.. I just can't look right now.. the nurse looks... it is baby.  The doctor is called.  We didn't expect this... you always expect stuff like a normal delivery.  No one said it would be like this.. no one warned us it could just be passed quickly.  The doctor lifts baby in one hand... Shannon glances this action and wails and moans like no other sound I've ever heard.  I am crying.. I am trying to be strong for her... I can't be.. it's my grandchild... it's a child.   It's a mother's loss.  I try to get her to pray with me, to calm her.. she can't stop wailing... I hold her... I wipe her hair back... I stroke her hair... I can't stop her pain.. no matter how much I wish I could take it away there is NOTHING I can do... the b/f shows up... I tell him... baby has come... (I had called her mom at the first sign thigns were happening...she is a block away at a hotel... she has not arrived).  They ask if she wants to hold the baby... she says yes.  They explain baby is not very developed (they think it had died four weeks early @ 16 weeks gestation).  She said "it's my baby I need to let it know it is loved".  They bring baby over.  I don't want to see this site... but I have to be there for her.  It has it's arms and legs... you can see eyes, lips, nose... you can tell it would have looked like the other children.. the shape of the nose and lips.. but it is strangely alien looking.  We are told the sex can not be determined.  The b/f holds it... he breaks down... I call his dad back from the waiting room to comfort him as best he can.  Shannon is calmer now.  Grateful things are over.  Her mom finally shows up (an hour later) she looks at baby.  My eyes are so swollen. 

  I am worried.  Shannon doesn't seem right.  I call a nurse back in (they had left us to grieve) I ask that Shannon be cleaned up and help them do this... but she seems so weak... pale.. lethargic.. i keep waking her... asking if she is ok.. asking the nurse is this just b/c of the meds... praying it is... the hook up monitors... I ask her mom.. what is her b/p (shannon's is naturally low for her)  it was 54/31.. her mom says this and leaves the room ... the nurse calls for a doctor... doctor says we have to get the placenta out NOW... they try their best... shannon is put through stuff that is painful.... things are not working... b/p is dropping they decide they have to do d&c and call in the anethesiologist to explain pain control he talks bout it.. she is out of it.. they have her sign stuff.. they give meds to get bp up... rises very little... gets to the point where it's NOW ... they rushe her from the room she wants me to go too but I can't...  I am so very helpless.  As they are wheeling her out her damn "mother" calls me to ask what is going on!  She is in the waiting room... I tell her I will talk to her in a few ... I tell Shannon I love her and promise I will be waiting for her when she comes out.

  I go explain things to the b/f and mother.  I call my hubby.  (he had went home to watch our other children and grandchildren.  He said I have always been there for Shannon and could do her way more good than he could).  I told hubby he need to get to the hospital.  I was crying.. he got very scared.  He made the drive in 35 min.. it should have taken just over an hour.

  She was in the OR an hour and 10 min... they said things were fine and went well, part of the placenta had "stuck" and she had been bleeding.  She didn't seem "FINE".  Her mom came in, kissed her check told her she loved her and went back to the motel.  I stayed.  By her side.. finally at 3 a.m. I laid down, I had promised her and her dad I would rest... @ 4 her b/p dropped again... five docs and several nurses discussed options.. gave her a different med.

  Six a.m. I wake up.. she is still out of it.. b/p still way low.  They come in around 8 and explain she has to have blood.  Hours go by they don't bring it her heart rate is irrattic and it scares me awful.  I call in the nurse and she looks at the machine print outs and states "it's because she needs blood".  I said "this was determined HOURS ago... are they shipping it from transilvania?"  (i try to have humor at all times... it helps)  She is o- so they say it is hard... finally at one they start the blood, her pressure rises.. i nap for a couple hours... get her to eat some dinner.. he b/p is much better so I make the trip home to rest and help w/the grandkids.

  I have learned to never expect things to go as planned.  I wish I had tried to research ahead what to expect in this type of situation.  We had no idea.  I knew I had lost a grandchild... I never thought we could come so close to losing a child.

  I still cry.  It's still hard.  Baby was 4.4  ounces and 7.5 in. long.  So small... but it never had to suffer pain and heartache.  I will take comfort in that.

  
   

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